Black Friend
by When You Were Young
Summary: When Veronica takes a break from crime solving, the citizens of Neptune find themselves in chaos.


**Black Friend**

Once upon a time Veronica woke up in Mac and Parker's dorm room. She was laying on the floor, after a hard night of partying; she jumped when Mac entered the room.

"Good morning, sleepyhead," said Mac.

Veronica slapped Mac. "It's not a good morning. Logan and I are still broken up!"

Mac pointed to Parker, who was still sleeping. "Shh! You'll wake up and upset Parker."

"I don't give a fuck about Parker," replied Veronica. She then took out scissors and proceeded to Parker's head. "Look what I'm going to do." Veronica then cut off all of Parker's hair which had recently just all grown back.

Mac sighed. "Veronica, you have a lot of stress. Perhaps you should take a sabatical from life and write a novel or something."

"That sounds like a great idea, Max," said Veronica. "If it weren't for the fucking fact that everyone expects me to solve their fucking mysteries."

Mac laughed. "But Veronica, your dad's the new sheriff! Now you can just be a normal girl.

Veronica liked the sound of that. "Yeah…a normal girl."

She exited the dorm and walked down the hallway. Wallace's black friend walked up to her. "Yo, Veronica, I need you to help solve a mystery."

Veronica chuckled. "Sorry Black Friend, but I'm a normal girl now. My dad, the sheriff, handles the cases now."

"But what about our on-campus crimes?"

"You can be the new detective, Black Friend," replied Veronica. She left.

Wallace walked up to Black Friend. "What's up with her?"

"She's done with solving crimes," answered Black Friend. "That's my job now."

This excited Wallace. "Great. I decided to call up my old girlfriend, Georgia. Can you help me find her?"

"Yes," said Black Friend. "Where do black people normally live?"

"I think the bad part of Neptune," said Wallace.

"Isn't that where people get shot?" 

Wallace groaned. "Sure, you could think that, or you could stop being a crybaby and come with me to the bad part of Neptune." Black Friend didn't want to be a crybaby, so they headed for the bad part of Neptune. DUN DUN DUN.

Meanwhile, Veronica was at home. Keith was at work so she decided to shut herself from all civilization.

"Gotta get started writing that novel," said Veronica. She took out a hammer and smashed her laptop, the phone, and threw Backup out of a window. All she had was a piece of paper where she would write her novel.

But Veronica couldn't think of anything to write after 'the.' Suddenly, her cell phone rang. "Oh, duh, I forgot to destroy my cell phone!"

Before destroying the phone, she answered it. It was Lilly. "Hi, Veronica, it's Lilly. Lilly Kane. I just wanted to tell you that I'm NOT dead and you have EVERYTHING wrong—"

Veronica groaned. "Sorry, Lilly, I have to work on my novel!" She hung up and smashed the phone.

Meanwhile, Wallace and Black Friend were tied to a chair in the bad part of Neptune. Parker was shooting up the Hearst cafeteria until she found out who cut off her hair. All of Neptune was in chaos without Veronica's assistance.

There was a knock at the door. Veronica decided to take a break and answer it. It was Logan.

"H-hey Logan," mumbled Veronica.

"Hey Veronica," replied Logan. "Listen, I hear you gave up case-solving. Well all of Neptune is in chaos without your help. Please, for me. Go solve a case."

Veronica began to cry. "But Logan, it's so hard! It's so hard to be a pretty, teenage girl!"

"I know," agreed Logan. "I used to be one myself, until my dad had an operation because he wanted a boy. Now go, go be my Nancy Drew."

Veronica grinned. "Only if you be my Prince Charming."

Veronica left her apartment building and went to the Hearst cafeteria where Parker was having a hold-up.

"Parker, you have no hair," observed Veronica. "It's kind of gross."

Parker screamed. "I have to know who did this to me! WHO!"

Veronica groaned. "Jeez, if you're gonna be that much of a whore about it, I fucking did it. Ya happy, now?"

"Veronica, how could ou do this to me?!" asked Parker.

Suddenly, Veronica began to unbutton her shirt. "You know, Parker, you're kinda sexy when you're mad."

"Say Veronica," replied Parker. "I think I need help with a mystery. Are you doing that again?"

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Who is right for me?"

"Case closed," said Veronica, jumping on Parker. They had sex. Afterward Veronica left to go find Wallace and Black Friend in the bad part of Neptune.

Soon, Veronica found Wallace and Black Friend tied up in chairs in a shack. There were many thugs surrounding them.

"Stop this," Veronica said to Black Thug.

Black Thug growled. "Why should I, White Chocolate?"

"Oh, you wanna do a white girl, do you?" asked Veronica. "Well come and get it, big boy."

Veronica jumped on Black Thug and they had sex. Wallace, Black Friend and all the other thugs woot-wooted.

"Oh you guys," said Veronica. "I wish I could do each and every one of you."

"Who says you can't?" asked Black Friend.

Veronica then had sex with everyone in the room. Afterward she untied Wallace and Black Friend and they were free to go.

"Wait!" said Wallace. "We still don't know where Georgia is."

"Wallace, you're in denial," answered Veronica. "She died of a heart attack after seeing me nude. Are you a retard?"

Wallace hesitated. "Yes."

After having solved enough mysteries for one day, Veronica drove through town and decided to stop at a party being held at town center. She got out of the car.

"What's going on here?" asked Veronica.

"There's a Sexathon," replied Keith. "Whoever has the most sex wins the prize of the Kane Scholarship. Madison is in the lead. Go on, honey! Beat her!"

Veronica then had sex on anyone who had ever been on the show, ever. Including dead bodies, Keith and Backup. And Heather. Veronica ended up winning, because Logan wouldn't let Madison do him again.

At the end of the day, Veronica had only five STDs.

"Congratulations, honey," announced Keith. "You've won the Kane Scholarship."

"Gee, thanks pops," replied Veronica. "I could've used this last year when I fucking walked out on my exam."

Veronica glared at the Kane Scholarship, and then looked amongst the townspeople.

"Well, everyone has been sexed up by me," said Veronica. "I guess you all feel pretty good."

Keith walked up to Veronica. "You know, it's not really required of you to make a speech."

"I'm almost done, I swear," replied Veronica. She continued, "To all the people who got hurt by my lack of caring about mysteries, I'm really sorry. When I think about how many people wanted this Kane Scholarship, and how many people had sex over it and stuff, well, I think everybody's a slut tonight."

She pointed at Parker. "Look at Parker. She's a bald, ugly hag. No man would want her. But I did." She pointed to Keith. "And Dad. All your relationships have turned to shit. But I was there."

Piz walked up on stage. "Hey! Where have I been?"

"Oh my gosh, I forgot about you," said Veronica. "Sorry. To make it up to you, let's go film a sex tape."

"Sounds good," replied Piz.

Logan grumbled.

THE END


End file.
